Skyfall

November 24, 2012

Our class went for a trip. The trip that should be a fun trip if only we were still together. Because you promised me to take a picture of us together but I guess promises are made to be broken.
We went out of town to study the past and erm...the word past tickled the hole inside of me that had been longing for my attention. So yeah I gave them a little taste of satisfaction by staring at your back and watching you from distance.

I had something else to do too beside watching the back of your head but that only lasted for awhile. You crossed my mind soon after I forgot about you. I laughed with my friends but then gravity pulled me to the earth and I was busy again watching your posture from afar but hey it's not like I'm stalking you or anything. I only gave my hunger a little bit of satisfaction so the hole wouldn't  feel hurt that much but actually it was making it worse.

I've had shit days and that day was one of them. Mates wanted to watch skyfall and I felt uneasy and aware of the effect that would come along with the film, a super massive nostalgia, fully-loaded with the crucial memory. I physically already felt exhausted but God wanted me to face anything, not excluded watching the first movie we ever watched together when we are already in a different phase. I'm built to face anything but this. So I spent the way home trying to fall asleep rather than spending my time watching the movie and recalling everything but then questions popped up.

Does he remember that we watched this movie together?
Does him also experience this? A nostalgia, a flashback.
What does he feel about it?

Up until now those questions are still floating in my mind, seeking for an answer. But where can I get the answers for that? While you barely even looking at me. So if miracle did happen, answer this. Do you experience flashback like I do?

Day 7

It's been a roller coaster after the text you sent.
First day, second day, I was trying hard not to show the effect of an end and I did it.
The following days were pretty busy for social activity of mine and it kept me from thinking.
The fourth day, the first day of school after a long weekend Islamic New Year holiday. Before I went to school , I got anxious and worry because when you said that you want it to end, we hadn't seen each other whilst like in an hour, dad was ready to drive me. I had nothing to do but to convince my self that everything is going to be okay even though I knew that the probability of not having a social interaction with you, was one in a million because we still have a year to be classmates.
I've been trying to get used to with the curious eyes. I see question and concern in the eyes of my mates. at first I didn't want to respond to their attention but that'd be rude. So yeah I try my best to retell the story and try to feel fine whenever the hole inside of me is asking more attention, though I feel uncomfortable to be questioned about us but I can't runaway from them.
it's been a week but I don't know if it gets any better or else because not like the first nor the second days, I've been replaying back our moments and feel a little bit lost. There is a part of me that says I'll waste my time to even think about you but the other part is more like the weak. She still misses the time when we were just two little lovebirds.
I guess even though I post so many crap about being strong after going through a break up, actually I still feel it, the sensation of the first time reading the text you sent to end the shit. I have a hole inside of me now, complete with a scar, thanks for that and yeah I still remember the scent of your jacket which has ability to break me in a snap. Sometimes when my mind drifts away, it has nowhere to go but to a place where I store our memories and I have to keep reminding my self that I should hate every piece of them because what we had back then is all made up.

But I know I'll be okay. I just don't know when. and that time, I won't even flinch at your name ever again . I'll go on even if the most familiar things try to pull me to the past, I'm sure that I would have been even better, I'll be careful not to fall in love with the wrong guy, I'll be smarter and we will be classmates with no social interaction if that's what you want us to be. I won't care

Broken Arrow

This time she's gonna fix her heart and make it bullet proof

This time she's gonna get real, love the skin she's in 

She said this time that she is built to face anything  

This time she's gonna pick herself up no more breaking down

This time she's gonna raise her head choose the righteous path

Broken Arrow, The Script 

It Was Only A Papercut :)

Speaking of what has happened to me, I found this song to be exactly like how I feel after yeah you know what happen :) It is called Papercut and it is  from the album Battlefield (Deluxe Version).
So this would be like another soundtrack to help me get through all the shits that stand in the way. Yeah Ms.Sparks thanks for the song :)

I’m okay, I’m okay
Don’t keep asking me I might disintegrate
What do you want? I’ve moved on
Everything is going well, at least that’s what I tell myself
I wish I was the tin man, so I wouldn’t have a heart to break.

I’m okay, I’ll survive.
I only think about you half of the time
All these tears, all these drops in the ocean baby
You barely even cross my mind no, no
And it doesn’t hurt that much
It was only a paper cut

It’s only a paper cut, a paper cut... (yeah)

I forget that it’s there
You keep calling and calling, you don’t care
How it burns, how it stings

Just cause you can’t see it bleed
Doesn’t mean it don’t go deep

I wish I was the tin man, so I wouldn’t have a heart to break.

I’m okay, I’ll survive.
I only think about you half of the time
All these tears, all these drops in the ocean baby
You barely even cross my mind no, no
and it doesn’t hurt that much
It was only a paper cut
It’s only a paper cut, a paper cut

The more I give, the less I get
Sometimes I wish that we’ve never met
’Cause I was fine ‘til you broke through

But don’t worry baby I'll get over you...

By tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day, or the next day

I’m okay, I’ll be fine.
I only think about you half the time
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

I’m okay, I’ll survive.
I only think about you half of the time

All these tears, all those drops in the ocean baby
You never even cross my mind no, no
Boy you wish it hurt that much
It was only a paper cut
It’s only a paper cut, a paper cut
I’m okay, I’m okay

Misted Dessert

Manis kata, janjipun tak lupa
Baik hati, lakuanpun sahaja
Gurun keringpun mau saja
Tiada hujan, kesejukan apapun ditadah
Hanya awalan, semua tampak baik saja
Diselimuti baris kata yang manis menggoda
Ditambah janji berlapis
Padahal mana tahu lapis selanjutnya apa
Sudah kubilang, gurunpun merindu, jadi diterima saja
Jangan salahkan dia

Waktu, ya, karena waktu atau entah apa.
Kabut sejuk menunjukkan anomalinya
Bukan kesejukan lagi namun tanda-tanda
Ia tampak enggan dan berbeda
Gurunpun cemas dan curiga
Serta merta dan tiba-tiba, tak dinyana
Kabut menggulung kesejukan miliknya.
Tandus yang hampir basah bertanya 'mengapa?'
Kabut yang sejatinya memang begitu berkata,
'ini sifatku. datang dan pergi sesuka hamba. tidak ada cara dan tidak mungkin hamba berubah.'
Batu lembap dipenuhi lumut menyangga,
'jika begini sejatinya, mengapa kau menyejukkan gurunnya? kau membawa asa lalu kau melenyapkannya. kau mengusir hampa dan lihat sekarang, kau menebar sunyi sebelum bencana.'
Kabut memang semu, bersiteguh ia membawa kesejukannya.
Namun ya, panas terik, kering, senyap, gurun sudah mengalaminya.
Kepergian kabut hanya kepergian seperti hujan dan cuaca.
Gurun akan kembali terbiasa.